The first time I tried accessing online mental health support was in October. I remember this very distinctly because at one point I had reached the point of feeling suicidal. I had just been thrown by the fact that I would have to go back to UTM in November and that nothing in my life was going the way I had planned or ever imagined. I couldn't see any positives and only mountains of uncertainty (which I interpreted immediately as personal failure) in every direction. I had also applied for healthcare and had to officially acknowledge the fact that I now belonged to the highly denigrated "unemployed, approaching 30-year-old, living-at-home-with-parents epic fail/freeloader/insert-derogatory-name-here
That day was in late October. My parents had gone to work and I was trapped, immobilized by my own demons, on the sofa. I felt too ashamed to be seen by any of my neighbors, or show my face around my hometown in case anyone asked what I was doing now and I could say nothing. I remember just sitting there watching the sunlight move in a square across the wall. Then the sun began to set. As the light dimmed I started flirting with the idea of suicide again. I thought about all the times in the past I have felt suicidal, how I could so clearly visualize the way I would do it, fantasized about how it would feel to just be done with it all finally. I thought about all of the emotions that had driven me to that brink and all of the events that had triggered them. I thought about how I felt after each episode passed. How I had pulled myself out of it by thinking about the people who still cared about me, who needed me, who would be seriously hurt if I did anything to myself. And how unexpectedly grateful I felt after I survived each time. (To date one of the strongest memories I still have is of stopping myself at the last moment because I had a sudden, wild desire to read a letter someone sent me once upon a time. That letter saved my life and the author will never know.)
One thing I can absolutely see I have improved over the past six years is that I have developed strategies of thinking that will pull me out of the darkest moments and turn me in a positive direction. And then it prompts me to take action (the good kind).
That day, I roused myself and looked up some online counseling services. I ended up venting my situation via chat to anonymous volunteer counselors on several internet sites. Some were more effective than others... some of them just made the whole situation awkward by trying too hard or not enough, and I fled from those chats before it got too excruciating. But the last person I spoke to listened just enough and spoke just enough. As I shared my insecurities I started realizing how tunneled my vision was, and how my life was not nearly as terrible as I imagined it to be. I realized I was still alive, and moreover I wanted to be alive, because here I was, trying.
I'll admit, I've tried a few desperate things too. Pretty much all of my efforts have been online, although I eschew social media platforms, because they are too revealing (though, obviously, social media presence can be entirely fabricated). At the time I was still too afraid to venture out of doors unless I had to accompany my parents for different errands or tasks. I looked at old photographs of myself in my college and early grad school years, when I was still fearless and adventurous and defiantly claiming my identity with crazy hairstyles. I was shocked to realize that I couldn't recognize myself. The person I was in the photos and the person I had become were so incongruous it felt as though my soul had been surgically removed and replaced by an alien.
Instead of contacting any of the people I knew I told myself I didn't deserve to be in their lives anymore in the state that I was in, and cut off all contact. The one exception was my sister, who I clung to as a lifeline over the winter holidays. She was unwinding her stress from the first semester of grad school so I did my best to be normal for her. But after she went back to school I felt as though I was even more desolate than before. My search bar started accumulating queries like "what do I do with my life" and "loneliness" (yes... I actually typed that into Google). I wound up on chat boards and messaging apps aimed at helping people with depression. These were inevitably filled with equally lonely, desperate people and I read their posts avidly, searching for a sense of connection. I made a few posts of my own. But the act of doing that, too, just made me feel ashamed and inadequate.
I also went back to AR. The community there is an eclectic one but I've known them for a decade and a half and most of them are honest people with good intentions (unfortunately, probably every internet game is plagued by at least one incorrigible cheater). A few of the higher ranked staff took me under their wing to teach me how to code. One of them happened to be going through a rough patch with his (now ex-)wife at the time. He came to me for support. I tried, though it was too difficult to be there for him 100% when I was struggling with my own issues. Still, thinking about someone else's problems and helping them to find their own path really helped to take me out of myself. I reconnected with my friends there and decided to officially return as a staff member. The players were so welcoming when I did. I felt as though I had a purpose again where I was making people happy, even though it was doing nothing for my professional career. I developed several new projects in the game and found my creativity finally stimulated again after months of emptiness. But that, too, started becoming a bit too extreme. Most of the staff lived on the west coast and I found myself staying up to 3am every morning to code and build projects.
In March I started sprouting an assortment of vegetables from seed and in April I built myself a garden to make myself go outside every day. Now we have enough kale and cilantro and lambsquarters and basil for salad lunches for 3 people every other day. The snap peas are just ripening, the daikon flower stalks have grown so tall that they are consistently falling over despite my best efforts, and the tomato flowers have opened. Yesterday I discovered that raspberry canes are growing wild in the little bit of woods at the far end of my backyard. I love taking a break from my thesis to work in the garden. Being among the vegetables I am surrounded by all of the reasons why plants are wonderful and unique and amazing, and all my frustrations ease away.
In May I finally moved out my bedroom furniture, stripped my wallpaper and patched up the old poster-hidden holes I had punched in the walls back when I was a rebellious teenager. I sanded the surface and coordinated the new colors for the walls. I've just obtained the materials to paint it and will be tackling the rest this weekend. Though this was a huge project to take on, I am absolutely determined to do it entirely by myself (though I did consult my mom for her artistic eye to fine-tune the paint hues). Living in a room that isn't filled with tired, aging, baby-oriented decor from the 90s but rather something I've designed for myself as a fully functional adult will be very helpful for improving my mental outlook as well.
My summer is also booked. I'm going to be finishing my thesis (I am certain!) and then while it is sent to the reviewers I will be presenting my last (fingers crossed) poster about my thesis work and networking at a conference before heading to Taiwan to see my relatives and friends there for the first time in years. And when I get back it will be time for my defense. I'll also be meeting up with a few friends in the US which I haven't seen since college. I'm still anxious about meeting anyone in person (I always am, maybe I always will be) but I do miss them and look forward to seeing them again, despite my insecurities.
A couple of days ago I found an app called Pacifica. It's surprisingly good. The community is very positive and welcoming for anyone who is struggling with minor (e.g. shyness) to severe emotional stress (e.g. cutting, suicidal thoughts). Because most or all of the users are living with anxiety, depression, or other so-called disorders (for me, this is just a part of life now), there is a real sense of understanding and mutual support. It's also entirely anonymous and you actually cannot connect directly with people, only use the group chat. Previously, I've tried out 7cupsoftea, which had a combination of amateur 1-on-1 "peer counseling" and group chats, but I found the 1-on-1 very hit or miss since they tended to be kids who just wanted to talk to other kids. When I tried using the group channels they were filled with distraught people flooding the channels with suicidal threats and deluges of negativity. In comparison, Pacifica is well-moderated and all the channels are have positive, supportive atmospheres. The founders of the company are all qualified psychology/psychiatry professionals and clearly designed the app to incorporate well-established methods for tackling depression/anxiety/etc., such as cognitive behavioral therapy and mindful meditation. As a result it feels a lot more natural and safe to use.
Ultimately, why I wanted to write today is that for the first time in a damn long time I have been socializing and making new friends (albeit on my phone, baby steps okay) and getting back into the job market and not only imagining but actively planning my future and feeling positive about myself and actually being happy. Things do get better. I just have to remember these things.
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