within i hold firm to the resolve that it will be worth it. to pierce my roots into the soil here and connect to the network of vitality, injecting my own nourishment, receiving in return. i have never been able to envision my own future before until now. a wind would blow, a season would change and my surroundings would disappear over and over. how tired i am of restarting and seeking the unfamiliar.
now i have snagged upon these proud, yet worn rocks. a seed on the banks of a mighty waterfall. just enough light, warmth, nutrients to emerge.
i feel so solid here, finally, my work is paying off and i can set that part of me at peace. and yet now that those stresses are under control i worry about the other arenas of my life. as if i cannot help but stress. i don’t know how to stop. my family and their pressing needs, the tenuous nature of my friends’ positions. these are all things i cannot control. i can only offer what i can of myself, to offer them support and comfort and goodwill and maybe direct them where they can find the help they need. i know this, but still, still sometimes i feel as though i am not doing enough. not being enough.
my mother called me late last evening. it was dark, she had been napping and was sitting in the dusk in her living room. she suddenly asked me if i was any closer to having children. i said, taken aback, what? logically i know exactly why she asked: one of her last remaining neighbors and friends from the old crowd of taiwanese-american families in our town is moving away to help raise her grandchildren in wisconsin. my mother wishes she had that excuse to come to live with me. it would be a better reason to pull up the roots she and my father have laid there since 1990, than to say they are too tired and lonely to keep living there and paying the exorbitant taxes. taking care of family is a noble goal.
she said, can you be open to a man in your life?
i said i can’t. you know that. i have never been attracted to men in my life. and anyway i have met someone i care about already.
she went a little silent then tried again. could you be open to the opportunity and just don’t… she trailed off.
i said, what opportunity? adoption?
she laughed. no! you have such good genes, why would you waste them?
i said i can’t bring a child into this world. not now. i am already pushing myself to my utter limits just to make sure i can make enough money to help support you, dad, and yvonne if she needs it before she finds her way. i am trying to settle myself down and take care of the people i already have in my life. i don’t have space or energy for uncertain new ones. and i will not bring a child into this world without a partner who can be here with me and i just don’t have that in my life right now.
she went a little quiet.
i won’t force my relationship into something it will not naturally become, mom. this - whatever it is - is something that has changed my life for the better. she is someone who has changed me for the better. and i will protect it, and her, so that they can become what they are naturally meant to be. i don’t have answers or expectations. i just want them - us - to grow.
let’s talk about something else, she said, finally. how is yvonne’s thesis?
i don’t know, mom, i said. we said a few more sad platitudes and then hung up, leaving me to burn in the dark again.
inside i was calling out, don’t you see i am doing this out of love? for all of you?
but still i am not enough.
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