another chapter closes. another opens.

this year has been utterly tumultuous. soaring highs, crushing lows. friends that came into my life, friends that left it. i didn't see any of it happening ahead of time. it just happened, a bit unexpectedly. i don't remember being particularly perceptive when it came to people, but i also can't remember much of the past distinctly anymore. maybe i used to have more acuity. who knows? 

the one thing that's clear is that i've been exploring and learning more about myself and the world around me again, after a couple years of hiatus. things were very rough for some months. partly because i wasn't used to feeling again, i think - partly because i still expected to operate the way i did pre-pandemic. and other external pressures, as life changes and shifts around us.

i've learned that sometimes i get so entrenched in a thought, a feeling, a concept, or even another person, that i lose sight of who i am. the person i am with some people is vastly different from the person i am with others. and i mold myself, fluidly, from one form to another, because it is what they expect of me - but what do i expect of myself? 

in this moment of clarity, this is what i know.

i am someone who seeks truth and has no interest in pretending. i look for simple connections. outside of work, where it is required, i do not seek to prove my worth to anyone, and i do not ask anyone to prove their worth to me. simply to be themselves. i accept people as they are. 

recently my life has been interesting. i think i am not used to being in the situation where i deliberately choose who i wish to spend time with or how i spend it. previously it was always determined by others, if i wasn't by myself. i didn't know how to direct the flow of my own life, so i was perfectly content to simply follow others. that meant most of the time i wasn't the one making decisions. especially when it came to relationships. for many of them i was more attracted to the idea of being wanted than the person, or i was so unsure of myself that i erased or hid myself in the relationship and was hurt when it resulted in me ultimately being overridden or misunderstood. i was always so upset by this, so angry, it would take me months to years to return to a state of balance. but that was unfair of me. how could i expect my partners to be mindreaders? 

this time i am approaching it differently. i know, from the past bumps and bruises, what works and doesn't work for me. what i'll put up with. what i'll accept and what crosses my boundaries. because i've set some, finally. talking with my sister help me see what i was missing. and i need to start fresh, clear my head of everything before, and move forward with optimism and clarity. because i don't know who i will end up with, but i do know that i want to be happy again. and i realized that i do want to build a life with someone else, and i have finally settled enough aspects of my life now - finances, mental health, physical health, family, philosophy, career - that i feel confident that i can be an asset rather than a burden. and so it's different now. i'm not hoping to be loved. i am my own person and i know that i am just fine solo. i am simply choosing to spend time finding someone that i wish to get to know, that i wish to get to know me on a deeper level. there is such an unexpected empowerment in that. i never knew it existed, or was possible for me.