i think about you a lot. i have for some time. but i don’t have a gauge to know whether it is too much or not, whether i feel too much/too fast or not. i guess you would like that i think about you, at least for now. but i am aware i can get somewhat obsessive in thinking and i have been working to release myself from that, to not ruminate when i don’t know answers to the endless questions i may devise in my mind, to let go and trust in our connection, in the natural progression of us, in my care for you. to simply allow myself to care for you without worrying that i may do something wrong and make you leave. to not be afraid that we are both works in progress and that our alignment may shift as we better learn ourselves and that if that happens it is not fault but simply a fact of being. to thus let us be free to be ourselves and learn what we want and need in life with our partners naturally, without external or internal pressure. and so i want to test myself, to let ourselves have a little space for a bit, and see how i respond/react and explore that space. it terrifies me a bit to ask for this because i am irrationally afraid you will wake up from this dream and let go of me. my mind wants to engage with yours and laugh and discuss crazy things and learn from you and be happy. my body wants to curl up in your arms and feel your warmth and softness. but i have to know how i handle space, that i do not lose myself in you.
tonight i will be on my own and nothing to do but be with my thoughts (climbing buddy canceled) so it will be a perfect testing time.
i love you.
talk to you soon.
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