shudders

 I can't seem to shake this sense of discomfort. The more I am awake the more upset I am with myself. Like a feeling of bad fit that just gets worse and worse the more time I spend thinking about it. I don't know how to make it better. And I don't know who to talk to about it either. It's as if I cannot see what's in front of me. In fact I can't. 

I'm so tired of just struggling. I feel like I'm on an exercise bike. Constantly pedaling and wearing myself into the ground but going nowhere.

I took an MBTI test today out of idle curiosity. I guess I haven't taken one of those in awhile. I can't remember the last results I had. This time my results came out as essentially a "squashy creative person". Which, I guess, fair enough.

I wonder what I would have counted as a year ago, when I was suppressing the creative side of me.

I just need a good day. One good day. Not a restful day, a good productive work day that makes me feel confident in myself again. I need to believe in what I am doing again. I just have this feeling that everything I am trying to do is useless. And so, unmoored, I keep trying to dive into anything but work to stay sane - but I can't go on like this. I only have myself to blame. But everything about work makes me so fucking depressed and uninspired.